There’s no such thing as a frenemy. So why do we treat clients this way?

Does this feel familiar? You begin a new client engagement, and for a little while, things are great. Everyone is extremely gruntled. But eventually, something changes. An email feels a little pointed. There was something unspoken and a bit unsettling in that last meeting. Interactions have gotten tense and you feel a sense of low-grade distrust. You find yourself questioning your client’s motives and you can tell they’re questioning yours. The relationship has become mildly adversarial and it leaves you both guarded and frustrated. You’ve become frenemies–you’re still determined to see the contract through, but you’ve accepted that from here on out, things are going to be less-than-ideal.

I experienced this a few years ago as a client and the experience helped shape my own interactions with our clients, and how I want our team to approach these relationships.

In the spring of 2021, my wife and I hired a contractor in the Boulder area for some work on our back yard. Today, we love how the work turned out but the journey getting there was rough — filled with tension, miscommunication and mistrust. While the project was underway, we needed to advocate for ourselves in order to avoid feeling like we were being taken advantage of. The owner of the company, who was our primary contact, would often be defensive and short when we tried to talk through options and ideas. Over time, our interactions began to feel adversarial. Didn’t feel good. Today, unfortunately, we can’t recommend the company even though we’re really happy with the finished product.

Sadly, over the course of many years in client work, I know I’ve been the offender too. In my worst moments, my interactions have been more combative than collaborative. I’ve argued instead of listened. I’ve avoided hard conversations. I’ve put my interests ahead of theirs. There have been times when I’ve treated our work together as a zero-sum game that one of us would “win” or “lose”. I have learned the hard way that this adversarial approach only hurts the work and makes things kind of miserable for everyone.

During our landscaping project we had become frenemies with the contractor. But let’s be honest, there really is no such thing as a frenemy, is there? A frenemy is just an enemy you try to treat like a friend because there’s some benefit in it for you. And when we put it that way, it seems plainly dysfunctional.

If you work in consulting, agency services, or have any client-facing role, chances are good that you’ve experienced this too. And if you’ve experienced it, you know that these adversarial relationships are a heavy burden that only drain productivity for everyone.

So let’s explore a way forward.

Over the years, these are some practices that I have found helpful for restoring a client relationship after things have become strained:

1. Assume the best.

It’s tempting, sometimes, to believe the myth that clients are conspiring to take advantage of you the moment you give them an inch, or let your guard down. This is a paranoid belief, and it isn’t serving anyone. Most people just want a collaborative relationship built on open communication and trust.

2. Move toward them.

If you want restoration in a relationship, somebody’s going to have to move first. Be the person who initiates. If it feels like you’re standing with your backs to each other, be the one who turns around first. It’s still amazing to me how this diffuses conflict and encourages everyone to relax their defenses.

3. Listen well.

Once things have become tense, it’s even more important to make a conscious effort to hear your client out. Work hard to understand their perspective (and, to be sure, this takes work). Practice reflecting back what you’re hearing to show that you understand and are internalizing their perspective.

4. Take responsibility.

You have no control over how your clients treat you, but you have 100% control over how you treat them. Apologize for the things that are yours to apologize for. It isn’t weakness to admit you were wrong. Could you have been more constructive and less critical? Or asked for clarity before emotions escalated? Own your stuff. It will re-establish trust.

5. Communicate with clarity.

I’m a full, unapologetic believer that clear is kind. Don’t let frustrations simmer–yours or theirs. Communicating with an equal amount of candor and compassion can deflate issues early before they expand, and is an important step in de-escalating a tense relationship.

6. Focus on the common ground.

You almost certainly have more in common than it feels like once the relationship has become strained. What goals do you share? Which challenges or constraints affect you both? Instead of fixating on your differences, focus your attention on the ways you’re both working toward the same outcome.

7. Reject the myth of competition.

Client engagements aren’t competitions. There are no sides. You’re not aiming for a win-win. It just simply isn’t something that is won or lost at all. Instead it’s something that you work hard at. It’s something you should feel proud of afterward. It’s something that the client should feel was money well spent.

8. Realize, it’s mostly a mindset.

More than anything, I have found that the most important part of this equation is your mindset. Repairing a stale or broken relationship with a client is more about what you choose to believe about them, than about how you decide to act.

When our back yard project felt off the rails, I didn’t want our contractor to eat any extra cost, or lose money. Mostly, I just wanted to know that they were listening, and were working with us toward an outcome we’d both be happy with.

If you ever find yourself in a frenemy relationship with a client, don’t accept that state as inevitable. A tense relationship doesn’t need to remain that way. In fact, most of the time when you work your way through the tension together you’ll arrive on the other side with a partnership that is much stronger than it was when you started.